My name is Neelam and it was those days when I was 15 years old and studying in class IX.

In the house, there were my mother, father, and two younger brothers and sisters who were very dear to me. I was very fond of reading. Mobile phones were not common in those days. I had a friend in school, her name was Mina. She had a mobile phone and was very smart about bringing it to school. the teachers could not find out.

Me and Meena used to use the mobile phone attached to the tank sometimes under the pretext of drinking water or sometimes on the brake, it used to be a spring for me in this life full of impoverished and unfulfilled desires. On that day, I expressed my desire to Meena that I also wanted to get a mobile phone, so she smiled but did not say anything.

Life continued like this. Two weeks later, Meena told me that Bilal is my cousin and he likes you and wants you to listen to him once you meet him.

These words were completely new to me, I forgot. I could never have thought of this idea of associating myself with a non-man without any legitimate relationship. After supper, I recline in bed. Our house was a rented house, which had two rooms. In one a shop was opened and in the other we were all lying down. Once again, I remembered Meena’s words. This is all new in life. It was only then that this matter was completely on my senses, how innocent I used to be. The next day, as usual, I was wearing my school uniform and sitting for breakfast, my mother was making parathas. Mother had made all three of us, my siblings were busy having breakfast of chai paratha unaware of this and I got up saying that I was not hungry why son you have to study there all day your health will get bad. Eat something, Mother said, but I refused and got up from there.

I had three months of school fees left and our principal was very rude.

For a week, she came to the classroom every day and warned me to think about her. I don’t know what to answer to ma’am today, I left home for school, I used to say to my mother every day and my mother’s answer was the same, my son will give it tomorrow, I knew that even today, they didn’t have any money, then they went to school quietly. I came and I still remember that for not paying the fee that day, the madam humiliated me in front of the whole class and even beat me. I sobbed a lot when I went to the bathroom. The whole year would have been wasted. Meena consoled me, but I knew the truth. When I told my mother, what could she do? She started crying.

My father was very good-natured and had a habit of drinking alcohol.

He had no love for his children, he didn’t even ask us about our problems and needs. At first, he didn’t even do a job. Then one of his friends made him work, and he spent his salary on himself. They used to take the profits of my mother’s shop by quarreling. Today, when Abu came home, I went to sit with him. When I was exhauste. I went to bed and started crying and mourning for missing my studies. Two days later, Meena came to my house and said I have paid your fees from tomorrow, and you will come to school at this time. She was very grateful and her mother also promised to return the money to her soon. I started going to school again, I was very happy. When we left the school, a boy was smiling at me. I got scared and took a quick step to go home. It was getting cold and the desert had started. It was noon. There was no one around. Tears started falling from my eyes, on I heard the voice of this young man in my ears. I started walking fast instead of stopping. Listen, I am Bilal, Meena is my uncle’s daughter. Listen. now he came forward and. held my hand at which my life was lost. He fell in love with the innocent,

He kissed me on the forehead and went back.

I stood there watching him go. Then after a while. I realized that it was the first time. I was touched by a non man. It was the one who had disturbed my soul. I started to imagine myself as Mele as if I had become Mele by his touch. I came home, blew the bag, took water from the tank, and went to take a bath. Was it now the daily routine? This was the limit of tolerance. Then one day I gave him a good sound, on he didn’t say anything and left, and then he didn’t follow me. Days and nights passed peacefully. One day. Meena set fire to me. Sikh chain telling me that my entire face was filled not by. Meena but by Bilal and she forbade me to tell this in any case so as not to hurt my self-respect.

I didn’t like it and that day. I cried a lot even though my father was alive today. I had to live on someone else’s beg, but why was he doing this?

Is He truly? Infatuated With me?

This thought is on my lips today. I don’t know why he brought a smile but. I was buried under a burden now he didn’t follow me and since that day. I didn’t see his face I don’t know why I started to feel a little missing But those days, I was not able to keep up with myself. Time passed, and I started to miss him regularly, his spoken words and his expressions of love echoed in my ears, as if I had made a mistake. I broke my heart in this life full of deprivations, someone came to me to support me in my sorrow. Then one day the time came when he came again into my life or Meena took me a mobile phone and said Bilal wants to talk to you. But Meena said crazy, this is my phone. Just talk to Bilal.

They were not normal.

Meena had sent an SMS package on this phone and had also put Bilal’s number. The day passed by doing housework and studying, but the night had become very heavy. But I started entertaining myself, everyone was asleep in the house, I got up and took a look at everyone and thought that I could see the phone. I went to see the phone and saw that there was a message in it. My heart started pounding. It was a message from Bilal. How are you, Neelam? Don’t get me wrong. Yes, it’s my third year. I like you very much. I’m starting to think of you as my life partner. Therefore, it is respectful if you do not mind my words,

then it is your responsibility to send Basahan’s message

It was a detailed message after reading it. I don’t know why my heart felt like tickling. I didn’t get angry but my eyes got wet what can I tell you. Bilal how you have settled in my heart in the past few days who doesn’t even know but you The sparkle of truth in his eyes does not make him believe. You are one of my own. I made a mistake once. I didn’t know that I would talk like this without anyone else, but this love makes everything happen. After saying all this, I got a bit of peace and tears were constantly flowing from my eyes. The answer came from the vibration of the message in my heart. Happily, something happened and I quickly opened his message. Thank you for understanding my love.
To which I wrote in reply that before today I had never felt all this for anyone, which I am doing today after years has been a true joy.
On which he had a message

I love you
I also spoke
I love you too
And from here our love started

Now we used to talk on messages every day and night, he insisted many times on sending Rishta, but I forbade him by saying that after my school was over, by then you would also become a doctor. Six months. During this time, I had fallen in love with Bilal so much that I could have died for him a hundred times, and by falling into this madness, I had crossed all my limits at his insistence,

and my dupatta was the object of his displeasure. Now he was determined to commit this sin. I never wanted, him to threaten to leave me, crying in front of me, but I did not respond but began to persuade him with love. After hearing that, I got angry one day and cut off contact with him because what he was saying was not acceptable to me. One evening, when I was sweeping, I heard my mother’s voice, Neelam, “Look, someone has come to the shop. I am good. My mother came to the shop. She was surprised to see that. Bilal was standing in front of me. I was very scared to see him here.” When he held my hand, I felt it was very good. Then my mother came into the shop and Bilal immediately let go of my hand. Do you want to talk to my mother? Once again we became one.

Time passed before I finished school.

Abu was marrying me to his friend, who was Abu’s age and had a lot of money. I told everything, on which my mother slapped and punched me on my back, after that she sat holding her head. He hit me well, so he brought the knife, then my mother was lying in the middle. Abu cursed me and told me in plain words that tomorrow evening. I would be married to this old man and we all knew that everyone was helpless in front of us. Abu’s decision. That night, I cried a lot while hiding in my mother’s lap. When my mother fell asleep, I sent a message to Bilal and told him everything. We both kept crying all night, he said Neelam, you love me, don’t you?

I said more than life, he said I am coming to get you,

just come with me to avoid this marriage, this is the way at this time, how long can parents be angry with their children, they will not stay, just hold my hand at this time. Our love is suffocating and dying. Save it. I am joining hands. I am giving you half an hour. Think about it. If not, I will leave your life forever and never come back. Forget what we spent together, Ray Bilal, how did you say all this? The moments I spent with him were the precious moments of my life. I could not forget them as a dream. After half an hour, his message came. I didn’t reply to Neelam, on which he kept sending me messages, I kept shedding tears after reading, then I also made a decision that I would go with him, how many dreams we had seen together if we were alone. So Kabka would have sacrificed for the honor of the father but could not cry for the one who made me laugh. And that night was the night that would change my life when I had my last look at my sleeping parents and siblings. What made me cross the threshold of the house was the biggest mistake of my life. Bilal was standing next to the bike and took me and rode the bike fast.

It has been 7 months today. Bilal kept me in an apartment.

He was not a medical student. He lied to me. He had a Matric pass and he had a communication shop. But the real deception was not this. That he had no interest in marrying me, he was a perpetual wanderer, his only job was to seduce girls and take advantage of them, and I was crazy to hear his sweet words and understand that I had found the prince of my dreams. Not only that, he was constantly scratching me to quench his thirst and now that his heart was full of me, he would bring his chubby friends and beasts on Saturday nights. Like scratched me for the whole week, he would lock me in this small house which was in the same room, I would leave me, the food would be in the house, he would come after two to three days, I would serve him, cook food and wash clothes. He used to beat me mercilessly when I did something wrong. After all, even Abu used to beat me, but even Abu had not hit me with that ruthlessness till now.

No compassion saved me from the stumbling blocks of the times.

On my body there was indigo, but for Bilal, I was nothing more than a piece of meat. I couldn’t bear how many promises we had made. It used to hurt me a lot when. I was wronged in the form of my beloved. who used to call me his honor how today he was sharing me with his friends. His friends had come today

too but now they had gone. I was washing the dishes at night. I was hopeful. This child was Bilal’s but he didn’t know about it. In a hurry, who was silently mourning the loss of her soul, I turned around and looked at her.

Many of my own had become so foreign to me today,

but I could not say anything, my eyes were full of doubt, I was just looking for my lost lover in him, I don’t know what affected him, he lost his sight Gaya went today and went out quickly. The heart said that my Bilal must be there somewhere inside this person, but he has gone far away from me, but I will pull him with my love. I missed Bilal very much. Although he was in front of my eyes day and night, still he was not my Bilal. I made him tea immersed in thoughts and went to Bilal. His face was falling. Today I realized that a woman’s love is very strong.

Bilal hated me so much, yet I couldn’t hate that face.

Hearing Sharbe’s voice, I also ran outside and saw that the police were holding Bilal’s neck and were abusing him, then they started dragging him away. I sat in the car with him and took him to the police station, where the policemen beat and broke Bilal’s bones, and the three policemen also treated me very badly. Their slaps and verbal abuse were piercing my soul. I was earning money by doing this work of my own free will because I had not spoken a word against Bilal, I wanted to speak but I don’t know what was the force that stopped me, maybe it was love. Or else I don’t know in madness.

I thought maybe I would get my Bilal back.

After all, no one makes a mistake It happened to me. Bilal too, but now he will understand love but. I was deceived once again. And the police made a false case against me and. I was sent to jail for six months. I kept waiting for Bilal every day but he did not come and I had to fall on my face again. The police also made me a victim of their lust. stay
One day was heavy on me. I missed my mother so much that I kept shedding tears. Finally, six months passed by rubbing my heels and I could not be free even after being freed. It was not possible anymore. It was more than death that I was going to become a mother very soon and was going to give birth to my children on the street.

After leaving the prison, there was no trace of Bilal.

It was also a treasure for me, but since that day I haven’t seen Bilal. It was a strange city. I didn’t even know the way home. I was just walking on the side of the road and thinking how cruel and bitter this life is. I was also missing my brother and father, but now there was no way to go back home. My boats had burned, it was very hot and I had not eaten or drunk anything, due to which darkness came in front of my eyes. And I sat for a while, I was feeling very hungry. Now I realized how much a blessing the homemade bread was. People were engrossed in their work. After finishing their work, those people will return to their homes and I. Today I realized what is the meaning of having a roof over the head.

I still remember that night when Allah gave me a son.

The night was quite dark. The roads were deserted. I was in agony but there was no one to help me. The wind was blowing and it was going to rain heavily. It seemed as if the whole world had become empty. Finally, Allah blessed me with a son. When I saw his face, for a moment I smiled sincerely. What does being a mother entail? Finally, I held her in my lap, the sound of her crying was so soothing. Suddenly I remembered Bilal, and I remembered what we both did with our first child. The dreams were decorated and what was the reality today? tears were flowing from my eyes it must have been an hour since the heavy rain started and the child also got wet with me. I got up immediately and ran around looking for a place where it was not raining, I thought. I knocked on someone’s door and asked for help, but I could not even leave the child there alone, nor could I take him with me in

the rain. I sat there, waiting for the downpour to let up.

Maybe because of the rainwater getting into her mouth. she got very upset. I ran to get it, I knocked on the doors of two or three houses, but the door did not open. There, a dog came to my child. I ran and reached there. By then, the dog had scratched his leg. I chased the dog away, or the child was bleeding everywhere. I was crying, I couldn’t tell what was my condition at that time. I sat holding him in my lap and kept praying for the rain to stop. The rain did not stop, but the breathing of this innocent person stopped. I felt him still in my lap. So my throat started to dry. He had brought only this much life. He was very handsome but he was very unlucky. so unlucky that he was not blessed with funeral prayers. I will do it. My courage was gone.

Darkness was coming in front of my eyes.

I didn’t want dogs to scratch my child’s body. I thought it was better than that and I dug a small hole there with my hands and the little being whom I had kept my first child in my stomach for nine months, I drowned my first child who made me a mother in a pit, now I understand that I hurt my parents by being a child, that’s why I am in the form of a child. I was so hurt. I knew that I would not be able to forget this child for the rest of my life
When I woke up, I was lying like a beggar on the side of the road. The passers-by didn’t care about me. I asked him to help me. I haven’t eaten anything for two days. I started crying, so he brought me inside his house. In the house, he called his daughter-in-law and said something in the Pashto language, and his daughter-in-law left. She was very good. She gave me food and changed my clothes.

They were very poor but good people.

Her name was Hina. Hina gave me medicine and then I don’t know when I slept. They sheltered me for a few days, after that it was not appropriate for me as a young woman to live in a house with two men, one day this old man invited me to marry. I didn’t agree at all, but considering the circumstances. I said yes the day I got married to. Sher Khan. I missed my family a lot. The marriage took place at home. I was being dressed in a red dress. I kept remembering the false dreams that Bilal had shown me. I was decorated but no one knew there was a bereaved mother inside me. That day I became the wife of Sher Khan and he was my husband anything but to me, he was a protector and a safe roofer.

I decided today, forgetting everything,

I will adopt Sher Khan with my true heart and I did this. If we ate together, I would feel that I am not alone in the world, it is all my own. At this point, life seemed to be a little calmer, but maybe I could not get over it. Brought a village in Abbottabad, we went to a wedding where a rich person liked me and Sher Khan sold me to that person and once again I had to leave my home. I had made it and once again. I was forced out of the house. Then I thought that this was the punishment for crossing the threshold of my house, that today I didn’t want to leave my house and this small world of mine and once again be at the mercy of this cruel time.

And I will have to go to the mercy of the person who bought me.

I only saw one glimpse of him. He seemed like a bad person. Tomorrow all the proceedings of my divorce were going to be completed. I had to go with this person. That night, I ran away from home, but he was a very powerful man, his men found me in two days, and then he got angry and imprisoned me in a closet-like room, that is a house. It was far from the population, there was no house nearby, and one or two people came and went. There was a government school which was probably closed for years. There was no one. He used to come every day and night and leave in the morning after accomplishing his purpose. He took off my shoes, washed my feet, scratched my hair, and tortured me because I ran away and challenged his false ego, for which he took revenge on me. I was taking it well. no more tears fell from my eyes, and. I became like a stone. I was used to his behavior, and after. months, he turned me into a

market woman, calling men into the house for good money.

Thousands of men had come to take me and present me in front of them. Now I hated my existence. It seems that I was born for the entertainment of others. Because of this. I had a high fever, and my body was burning. but still that work was being taken from me. So when the beasts ate the scratch, the bones were also decaying
It was afternoon. Today, Asadullah (who bought me) was coming. He didn’t like the dirty house at all. At that time, I was busy with housework. I washed the clothes and put them on the wall above. He was going to take my medicine. I was not at all well. The pimples were coming back. There was a skin infection which was increasing due to untreated weakness. I felt dizzy and fell. There was no one at home to help me. In the sun, the same dark sun was shining on my body. I had no strength in my body. At that moment, I felt that maybe my soul was freed from the burden of this heavy existence.

This thought brought home to my lips.

My mother, father, brothers, and sisters started walking in front of me, their voices were starting to fall on my ears, but I was so unlucky that I did not die, I survived that day too, when Asadullah started to feel that I was no longer of any use to him, entrusted one of his special men with the task of taking me to a deserted place and killing me. It was nighttime, I was sleeping and the fever was still there when suddenly I opened my eyes due to noise. His face was hidden and he was staring at me. then he took me by the arm and brought me to the yard. and made me sit on my knees. I did not ask him any questions, nor did I feel any fear. Not afraid? He asked a question, on which I shook my head in the negative and said that you are my benefactor who has come to save me from this hell. He must have felt a shock of surprise, he stood silently for a while and then said what is your name

Neelam. Which he stood up took two steps back turned his gun aside and stood. I didn’t like it at all. I thought he was going to kill me but when he didn’t do it, I picked up his gun with trembling hands and put it on my head, but he turned the gun upside down. I don’t know, I fell at his feet crying, reduce my punishment, why don’t you kill me? But he sat down, and we both met his eyes, his eyes were beautiful.